March 31, 2014 – when the journey began.
This picture taken just one week ago with my friends, Nancy and L.A. Nik really hit me hard. I’m always smiling in my photographs and that’s because I am sincerely happy to be around the people in my life. However, looking at the photos on my computer alone, in a quiet space, has me deeply troubled. I’ve become round, really round. Actually, round like a Cortland Apple and in a bad way.
At age 52, I’ve become more anxious about my weight and health than ever. My father would be 74 years old this year but he died of a heart attack at age 52. He was one of the lucky ones in his family of 7 boys. Uncle Jack died in his late-30’s and Uncle Bob died in his mid-40’s. My doctor has been on my case about my cholesterol though my sugar numbers are down, my weight is up. I’ve been in denial. Then the pictures pop up. And, because of the work I do, they pop up everywhere.
Being fat and funny is not the person I want to be. I like the funny part because FUN is good and being skinny isn’t in my set of important desires but not cringing at photographs certainly is. Fat is not where it is at – at least for me. And, being a mighty 5’2″ doesn’t help. It’s an emotional roller coaster that smacks at insecurities, confidence, and worry and self worth. I’ll tackle that much later. My relationship with food is layered. I simply love to eat, love to feed people, and savor the ritual of sharing food with ones I love. Growing up out east with Italian (Sicilian, to be exact) and Polish family meant food was and is a more than mere sustenance. It’s about family, and it’s about love. And, that can be quite dysfunctional.
It also meant I often heard “IF ONLY you lost some weight, you’d be so pretty.” Or, “you have such a pretty smile, now just lose a little weight” followed with another heaping plate of spaghetti with a few meatballs tossed in for luck pushed in front of me. Mangia! Lose weight! Eat more!
I’ve done a number of fad diets over the years; Slim Fast, cabbage soup, Atkins, and each time I lost an average of 30 lbs and then gained it all back and more. Hitting 50 yrs of age and those hormonal changes also meant gaining more. Working in front of a computer every day meant gaining more. I’m done with more. I want less!
So, here we are. I’m ready to move forward and unlike my dad, age 74 will be a reality. Wish me luck. I will certainly need it!
My plan: work with personal trainer, Adam at Anytime Fitness Minneapolis (Lyndale) and give it a good go.
Off to the gym for our FIRST meeting!